I'm back!

Hello! I know I've been gone for a long time, but, that doesn't mean I've been completely off the rails. A bit, perhaps! The start of the year was just terrible and it took its toll on my focus. I felt so on edge about everything that the last thing I wanted to do was work hard on myself when I was already working hard in all the other aspects of my life. But, the beginning of the year feels like a long time ago now and I'm in a fairly positive frame of mind now.

I've been doing a juice fast for the last month (well, a tiny bit less than a month) and I've lost a fairly significant amount of weight (I'll let you know how much when I get to the one month mark). It's fairly easy for me to just say no to all food, to do something drastic with very specific rules, taking eating out of the occasion is liberating for me, I find making the right choices when everything is open to me and enduring slow weightloss a lot harder. But, this juice fast has just been a kick start, I wanted to knock off some weight quickly, remove myself from all those bad habits and just make a defined start to my renewed weight loss efforts. It seems to have done the trick, I am excited at the prospect of vegetables and salads and greasy, heavy foods really haven't crossed my mind. We'll see...won't we?

Anyway, I have lots to say, but, I really just wanted to get back into the habit of writing here, I really liked being accountable and focusing my mind on it and I think it helped.

I have lots of plans, lots of exciting things I want to get up to over the next year or so and I want to be as fit, healthy and slim as I can be for them, so I can enjoy them without physical restriction or feeling self-conscious.

Weigh In - Week 20 & 21

In terms of weight loss, I've definitely been back on form - 3.4lbs lost last Monday and then 2.3lbs this Monday. Whoop! Good to see those numbers moving down and I think I might be looking a bit slimmer too. Feeling more positive about the weight loss though...like I will actually get there...!

My hand is markedly better now so I can do things that are also helping me feel better about myself - like dry my hair properly, putting make-up on, etc. and also I don't have a giant splint on my arm... Function still isn't fully back and some things still hurt, but, I am a lot better now and nearly feel normal (still using my left hand for my computer mouse).

I am now good to drive. I bought a car on the weekend and it broke down half an hour away from the garage and had to be towed back. I asked for a refund because I wouldn't be able to trust the car after that and it really wasn't what I needed after a crash...being stuck in the road with a car whose engine kept cutting out. But, gah, I miss driving.

On the downside, I think my scales are super wrong - the ones at my boyfriends put me at a stone heavier and if I move my scales, they put me at a stone heavier too. I suppose the difference between weigh ins is still the same. But, I have previous experience of weight loss and I know what actual weight I want to be at, so, at some point that will become relevant. Sigh.

Getting old

I kind of went AWOL there, didn't I? Definitely partly because I haven't been focused. I've been up and down on the eating front, but, have managed to hover around the same number.

I think I'm just finding it hard to focus on the future when I feel like I'm waiting to be back to physical health. I know that's stupid and if anything, more reason to get losing weight so I don't feel like the last six weeks have been just me moping about my hand and overeating.

They took my splint off last Tuesday. Or at least, approved me to only wear it at night and when it's likely to get bumped into. And I started physio. Which involves bending my fingers and trying to make a fist over and over. It's frustrating because by the end of the day, I can make more of a fist than at the beginning, then the splint goes back on and in the morning I start all over :-( I just didn't realise what a long and laborious process it would be. I have another week of this before I even start anything more advance that's going to take me anywhere near being able to USE my hand. And god knows when I'll be able to drive again.

I weighed myself yesterday (earlier than my official weigh in date and also at around midday because I'd been out drinking the night before...) and the scales said I'd lost around 4lbs. I felt like that was unlikely, but, it gave me the boost I needed to get back on track and then I took my measurements and I'm about 6 inches down in total since the end of November. Slow progress, but, it was another boost to refocus me. Oh and I bought some new clothes and I feel like you can see a difference.

I am just a bit despondent at the moment. I'm getting wrinkles and sad about having missed out on "my youth" due to my weight. It's kind of hard to explain without getting into some long ramble about all the things I wish I'd done while I was young and slim (and how I squandered my brief periods of slimness not doing these things). But, I just feel sad that when I get to my goal weight, I'm sure I'll be fitter and more comfortable and enjoy buying clothes and all that stuff, but, it's not going to make me eighteen again. I do worry that I'm sabotaging myself because I don't want to acknowledge that losing weight can't fix everything and can't steal back my teens and early twenties. Sigh.

Weigh In - Week 17

This week I've lost 1.8lbs, which I'm a bit annoyed about as I weighed myself in the middle of the week and I was another pound down from there and I've been exemplary all week. Still, I'm on the way and hopefully next week I'll be well clear of the 18 stone 10lbs mark that I seem to have been hovering around since before Christmas.

I ended up working a twelve hour day on Saturday with my broken hand still in a splint. I'm not going to say that the splint wasn't an added obstacle in an already high-pressure job (where I am constantly doubting myself). But, I kind of felt amazing at the end of it, exhausted and happy to sit down, but amazing. I was so proud of myself - I went out there with my game face on, I pretended that I wasn't at all worried about my hand, or in pain, or anything and while, by the end, my other hand was absolutely killing me from carrying all the weight I'd normally have on two and straining awkwardly to do right-handed things, I did believe in myself. It helped that my clients, their friends and families, were all a joy to be around and easy to photograph. It also felt great to do something normal - everything is so frustrating and slow without my main hand and going to do what I do for a living, returning to the comfort of holding (albeit awkwardly) my camera was just perfect. It reminded me I'm still useful and capable.

I've been glowing ever since really. When I came back from the hospital, still wearing the splint I thought I'd be rid of, I felt so defeated, teary, angry and overwhelmed by the prospect of letting all those clients down, the impact it might have on both my reputation and my bottom line. And then I picked myself up and decided I was only defeated if there was absolutely no way I could do my job. That's not something I'd have done a year ago...a year ago I doubt I'd have even been able to stop crying long enough to phone and cancel the bookings.

Work isn't everything, but, when you own a business I think your self-worth is irrevocably tied into its success. This time last year I was working in an underpaid "graduate" office job, I was just about to hand my notice in to become full-time self-employed. The job was soul-destroying, the people were horrifically unpleasant bullies, the management was inept, the commute was cramped and unreliable, the job itself was mind-numbingly dull (though if someone capable ran the business it might have been OK) and I was most definitely an outsider. I was over-qualified and under-appreciated - I bit back when "jokes" (thinly veiled insults) were levelled at me, I refused to stay late because someone else in the office held back work until I was getting my coat on, I was constantly belittled and mistreated. Some days I would have to walk around the corner to cry because I felt so powerless against the constant hostility. I would have left, but, I was running a business in every moment of free time and couldn't afford to waste that searching for a job I didn't intend to stay in. Even if they did nothing right, even up until the last day, where the owner shouted at me like a toddler as I walked out because he chose to do the handover five minutes before the end of business, rather than lunchtime like it was scheduled, the sense of coming alive I had that day was incredible - that really was an act of pure faith in myself and my ability to be successful, rather than playing it safe at the expense of my happiness.

Anyway, what I meant by this was - if I'd had this crash last year, I would have cancelled those bookings without even trying, the episode would have sent me spiralling into a depression and I'd have been sitting on the floor crying about how I should never have dreamed of doing my dream job. My job isn't who I am, but, running a successful business all alone has definitely left me feeling like a stronger person, like I'm a success in life. I've more than doubled my income in a year, my work makes people cry tears of joy, yesterday I got an email thanking me for being such a lovely presence... To go from thinking there must be something about me that makes people react so badly to me, to having people hire me because they like me after a twenty minute chat, well... It's amazing. I'm just happy and hopeful at the moment. Sometimes it's OK to be proud of your achievements.

Weigh In - Week 16

So, at my weigh in yesterday I lost 1.6lbs. Happy to be on my way down again! It's definitely been tough getting back into things after what seems like forever of hovering around the same number. But, I've had some little victories along the way - putting food back after picking it up in the kitchen, etc. Having an end goal (my holiday) is actually helping me keep focused quite a lot at the moment.

Today hasn't gone super well - I went to the hospital to get my splint off and start physio, but, my hand hasn't healed as fast as they'd hoped, so, I'm stuck with my hand strapped up for another two weeks, plus whatever the physio/recovery time is after that. So frustrating! I was really looking forward to getting back to normal life (actually being able to shop for myself, for instance). The major issue is - I take photos and my first booking of the year is Saturday and I'm now in an awkward position, where, I either do the work with my hand strapped up and risk not doing so brilliantly, or let them down. Neither of which are where I want to be. Sigh.

It's also just been a weird few days - I went to look at new cars and am confused about whether to drop a lot of money on a car I really want, or save my money and get a car that's alright. And my boyfriend asked me to live with him on Saturday. It's odd - I was waiting for him to ask really, but, now I'm not so sure what I want to do. I just like being alone, but... Ugh, I don't know. I'm kind of sick of my flat with the neighbour noise, mice, crappy shower, limited storage, etc. But, I don't want to regret not spending longer alone when I look back at this point in my life. What to do...

Weigh In - Week 14 & 15

Over the last two weeks I've put on 0.4lbs, which is pretty good considering I've not really been putting my all into it - the few days after the crash I didn't really eat anything, but, then, I was definitely trying to eat myself into a more relaxed state (granted not being able to get to the supermarket limited damage a bit).

Anyway, I've decided it's time to start focusing on losing weight again. I'm not struggling to sleep, or muttering to myself about how stupid it was (the crash was my fault). In reality, I now feel pretty normal, I've even managed to get some work done and am staying on top of my e-mails. Unfortunately, I am still living with only one hand, which is very frustrating and because of the snow I've become something of a pyjama-wearing shut in (my boyfriend did make me come out, gripping his hand super tight) as I'm scared of slipping and falling and damaging my hand further. I also am plagued by fear that my hand won't heal properly, the thought of using it for anything even when it's healed makes me feel sick, like it might just crumble off my wrist. But, I go back to the hospital next week to have my splint taken off and start physio...I think, provided it's healed properly, I'll only be wearing the splint at night. Fingers crossed because I have clients waiting on my quick recovery!

The boyfriend and I booked a holiday in October over the weekend. Before the crash, this was a source of weight-related anxiety for me. In life, I'm good with deadlines, I thrive under pressure - my job is high pressure, I like exam situations, I like structure, dates, lists, deadlines. But, with my weight, the second deadlines are introduced, all my resolve crumbles. It's like, when there's something I want to lose weight for and the enjoyment of that event will be compromised to some extent by not losing weight, I decide to give up rather than face failure. In reality a loss of 2 stone would be enough for the major issues my weight causes on holidays to disappear - plane seats being uncomfortable and only being on the cusp of fitting into roller-coaster seats. By October I could probably lose double that, if not more and be relatively near to my goal weight - but, still far enough away to not be over the moon about having pictures taken or wearing a swimming costume. And that's exactly the kind of thinking that puts, "it's not even worth it," thoughts in my head. So, I need to focus on the physical, comfort related benefits of losing weight, not the more distant realisation of body beautiful. Oh am I looking forward to going on holiday though! This year has already been a nightmare, so, that's something to look forward to!

Car Crash

I just wanted to update you guys on recent events. I was in a pretty serious car accident on Friday - my car is destroyed and among general aches and bruises, I've broken my hand. My right hand! The one I need for writing, moving my mouse, brushing my teeth, pressing a camera shutter (which is what I do for a living), etc. It sucks, I'm in quite a bit of pain and am very frustrated just trying to get dressed, but, really, the worst thing is the shock. I keep bursting into tears and seeing shrapnel flying at me when I close my eyes. There was a moment, after the airbag hit me in the face, where I tried to figure out what had happened and I could just see smoke and metal ripping apart and just noise and I thought I was going to die. I suppose it takes more than a day to get over thinking you're going to die. And I'm kind of ridiculously sad about my car being written off, I went to empty it of my things today and seeing it all ripped apart, with the sad little air bag inflated and my CD's sprawled across the floor. It was my first car and as much as I whinged that it made my leg ache and it made disconcerting noises, I loved it. It was the first big thing I really owned - like, when you live with your Mum, you're in someone else's house really, but, that car was all mine. It was like being a proper adult and just knowing it was sitting outside my house made me feel so free, like I could just take off in my adorable little bubble car. And in the back of my mind is how much it'll cost to replace my car and what if my hand doesn't heal properly and I can't use it properly or I'm always in pain now and how far behind with my work I'll be when I can actually use my hand again...

Anyway, this is when living alone suddenly seems like an absurd idea. I can't cut anything, I can't open things, I can't carry more than one shopping bag. Today I ate a packet of crisps and a tin of soup because preparing food was just too overwhelming a prospect when it took me half an hour to get dressed. Not that people haven't been helpful, it's just at the end of the day, I'm by myself.

It has taken so long to type this, so, not sure I'll be checking in as much as I'd like and I'm also not really focused on my eating habits now. I imagine I'll be eating thing I can easily get out of packets and not burn myself on. Hopefully I'll have calmed down in a few days and I'll be able to concentrate on getting back into my life. After all, life really is short and one stupid mistake can change everything and I don't want to waste mine avoiding doing things because of my weight.

There are a lot of 'and's' in this.