Weigh In - Week 16

So, at my weigh in yesterday I lost 1.6lbs. Happy to be on my way down again! It's definitely been tough getting back into things after what seems like forever of hovering around the same number. But, I've had some little victories along the way - putting food back after picking it up in the kitchen, etc. Having an end goal (my holiday) is actually helping me keep focused quite a lot at the moment.

Today hasn't gone super well - I went to the hospital to get my splint off and start physio, but, my hand hasn't healed as fast as they'd hoped, so, I'm stuck with my hand strapped up for another two weeks, plus whatever the physio/recovery time is after that. So frustrating! I was really looking forward to getting back to normal life (actually being able to shop for myself, for instance). The major issue is - I take photos and my first booking of the year is Saturday and I'm now in an awkward position, where, I either do the work with my hand strapped up and risk not doing so brilliantly, or let them down. Neither of which are where I want to be. Sigh.

It's also just been a weird few days - I went to look at new cars and am confused about whether to drop a lot of money on a car I really want, or save my money and get a car that's alright. And my boyfriend asked me to live with him on Saturday. It's odd - I was waiting for him to ask really, but, now I'm not so sure what I want to do. I just like being alone, but... Ugh, I don't know. I'm kind of sick of my flat with the neighbour noise, mice, crappy shower, limited storage, etc. But, I don't want to regret not spending longer alone when I look back at this point in my life. What to do...

Weigh In - Week 14 & 15

Over the last two weeks I've put on 0.4lbs, which is pretty good considering I've not really been putting my all into it - the few days after the crash I didn't really eat anything, but, then, I was definitely trying to eat myself into a more relaxed state (granted not being able to get to the supermarket limited damage a bit).

Anyway, I've decided it's time to start focusing on losing weight again. I'm not struggling to sleep, or muttering to myself about how stupid it was (the crash was my fault). In reality, I now feel pretty normal, I've even managed to get some work done and am staying on top of my e-mails. Unfortunately, I am still living with only one hand, which is very frustrating and because of the snow I've become something of a pyjama-wearing shut in (my boyfriend did make me come out, gripping his hand super tight) as I'm scared of slipping and falling and damaging my hand further. I also am plagued by fear that my hand won't heal properly, the thought of using it for anything even when it's healed makes me feel sick, like it might just crumble off my wrist. But, I go back to the hospital next week to have my splint taken off and start physio...I think, provided it's healed properly, I'll only be wearing the splint at night. Fingers crossed because I have clients waiting on my quick recovery!

The boyfriend and I booked a holiday in October over the weekend. Before the crash, this was a source of weight-related anxiety for me. In life, I'm good with deadlines, I thrive under pressure - my job is high pressure, I like exam situations, I like structure, dates, lists, deadlines. But, with my weight, the second deadlines are introduced, all my resolve crumbles. It's like, when there's something I want to lose weight for and the enjoyment of that event will be compromised to some extent by not losing weight, I decide to give up rather than face failure. In reality a loss of 2 stone would be enough for the major issues my weight causes on holidays to disappear - plane seats being uncomfortable and only being on the cusp of fitting into roller-coaster seats. By October I could probably lose double that, if not more and be relatively near to my goal weight - but, still far enough away to not be over the moon about having pictures taken or wearing a swimming costume. And that's exactly the kind of thinking that puts, "it's not even worth it," thoughts in my head. So, I need to focus on the physical, comfort related benefits of losing weight, not the more distant realisation of body beautiful. Oh am I looking forward to going on holiday though! This year has already been a nightmare, so, that's something to look forward to!

Car Crash

I just wanted to update you guys on recent events. I was in a pretty serious car accident on Friday - my car is destroyed and among general aches and bruises, I've broken my hand. My right hand! The one I need for writing, moving my mouse, brushing my teeth, pressing a camera shutter (which is what I do for a living), etc. It sucks, I'm in quite a bit of pain and am very frustrated just trying to get dressed, but, really, the worst thing is the shock. I keep bursting into tears and seeing shrapnel flying at me when I close my eyes. There was a moment, after the airbag hit me in the face, where I tried to figure out what had happened and I could just see smoke and metal ripping apart and just noise and I thought I was going to die. I suppose it takes more than a day to get over thinking you're going to die. And I'm kind of ridiculously sad about my car being written off, I went to empty it of my things today and seeing it all ripped apart, with the sad little air bag inflated and my CD's sprawled across the floor. It was my first car and as much as I whinged that it made my leg ache and it made disconcerting noises, I loved it. It was the first big thing I really owned - like, when you live with your Mum, you're in someone else's house really, but, that car was all mine. It was like being a proper adult and just knowing it was sitting outside my house made me feel so free, like I could just take off in my adorable little bubble car. And in the back of my mind is how much it'll cost to replace my car and what if my hand doesn't heal properly and I can't use it properly or I'm always in pain now and how far behind with my work I'll be when I can actually use my hand again...

Anyway, this is when living alone suddenly seems like an absurd idea. I can't cut anything, I can't open things, I can't carry more than one shopping bag. Today I ate a packet of crisps and a tin of soup because preparing food was just too overwhelming a prospect when it took me half an hour to get dressed. Not that people haven't been helpful, it's just at the end of the day, I'm by myself.

It has taken so long to type this, so, not sure I'll be checking in as much as I'd like and I'm also not really focused on my eating habits now. I imagine I'll be eating thing I can easily get out of packets and not burn myself on. Hopefully I'll have calmed down in a few days and I'll be able to concentrate on getting back into my life. After all, life really is short and one stupid mistake can change everything and I don't want to waste mine avoiding doing things because of my weight.

There are a lot of 'and's' in this.

Weigh In - Week 12 & 13

Oops, so, I went a little AWOL there - over the last two weeks I've put on 2.8lbs. Also, boring admin - I changed my weigh in date to Monday's because my wi-fi scales always tell me about the calendar week. So, that's actually a 2.8lb gain over two weeks and two days.

I actually only put 0.4lbs on over the Christmas week, but, I got the flu a couple of days after Christmas and it all went a bit bingey. Oh well. I am more or less back on the straight or narrow as of today, even if I am still feeling a bit worse for wear.

The Christmas period was really tough for me. I love Christmas and this year I hosted Christmas lunch at my flat...so, I put a lot more thought and effort into Christmas than I usually do. I think all the pressure, or rather, all the ridiculous amount of thought I put into it and high hopes, made me have a bit of a meltdown as Christmas got closer. My boyfriend definitely bore the brunt of it and I feel really bad about that. Overall though, I had a good time (well...apart from the overwhelming depression) - I got to see all my friends and got horribly drunk with them, hosted a very successful and delicious veggie Christmas lunch, saw my family, got some great presents, etc. The only thing it was lacking was relaxation time - it went from five consecutive days of go-go-go social engagements/cooking/prepping/travelling, sandwiched between work and then I got sick and spent new years eve with my head over the sink because I was overheating so much from my fever. Sad times.

I am looking forward to getting back to normal though - I've started powering through my work now and having client meetings and eating proper meals rather than biscuit selection boxes for all three meals...

In terms of resolutions - I'm not really big on them, which is strange considering I love lists and I love setting goals - kind of what resolutions are. But, there's something about setting the same weight-loss goal I've been setting since I was twelve, that doesn't exactly inspire. I do, however, have a 101 in 1001 list, I think I'm on my third and I really enjoy them - 1001 days is long enough to feel like you don't have to start everything straight away and 101 things is enough to chuck in some purely enjoyable goals about baking. Haha. What I will say - is I intend to be at my goal weight by the end of the year, or at least within a stone of it and I'm really excited about the prospect of next Christmas in a little wiggle dress!

I hope you guys had a wonderful Christmas and new year! I look forward to catching up with you all! x

Weigh In - Week 11

I lost 1.3lbs this week. I'm really happy with that, as I was only aiming to maintain my weight this week, with food-based social engagements, Christmas preparations, etc. I'm only 0.3lbs off 2 stone now! Pretty exciting!

I was working today and I kind of always feel horribly uncomfortable on work days (by which I mean the days I'm not doing the office elements of it or meetings) because my job is really physically demanding (I often end up standing for 12 hours, carrying a lot of heavy equipment and am pretty much always horribly dehydrated), but, I also have to dress in a formal fashion. Being fat and trying to dress formally is difficult enough anyway - I really hate it, but, then trying to be comfortable working too... Urgh. So, normally I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror and I feel like an absolute state, but, today, I saw myself in the mirror and I was pleasantly surprised. I'm not saying I'd be satisfied to stay at this weight forever, but, I didn't look like a bedraggled mess - my skin is sooo much clearly nowadays and my face has lost weight and the clothes, I suppose fit more how they're supposed to, rather than being strained to their limit. So, that was nice.

Anyway, guys, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and the food situation isn't too disastrous! See you on the other side...! x

Weigh In - Week 10

I lost 1.5lbs this week. I am nearly at the 2 stone lost mark - although, with the festivities I doubt I'll be seeing that until 2013!

I had a pretty good week - I was back on track, even if it was more of an effort and from a mid-week weigh in I'd actually lost 2lbs by Wednesday. But, then I just got really, really sad. Everyone gets inexplicably sad sometimes, right? I tried to fight it off, but, I think without the constant indiscriminate numbing of binge eating, it was a lot more powerful and it kind of crippled me. I think I might have got a bit too excited about having a Christmas Disney would envy and the anti-climax has hit me hard, or something a bit more legitimate...!

When I moved out of home, I was worried I'd be really lonely. I've always liked my own space, but, the thought of waking up alone, working alone all day, sitting alone in the evenings, it was kind of daunting. But, then I was alone and I loved it - the control over everything (like, none of my food being gone when I open the fridge and keeping the flat hotter than the Sahara because I get cold) and the space to spread all my stuff out, work in a separate study, etc. But, I think after three/four months that dreaded loneliness has hit me and I just feel so abjectly alone. Because I work on the weekends I go whole fortnights without seeing my boyfriend or friends - the only thing I do is go to other people's parties and not talk to anyone (that only makes sense if you know what I do for a living!). I went out with my friends last night and I'm off to my boyfriends today, so, I feel better now. But, I admit that I let it get the better of me, I went to the supermarket with tear tracks down my face to drown my sorrows in carbohydrates. It kind of worked, I was disappointed about the step back as far as weight loss goes, but, it did take the edge off the misery and it was kind of worth it because I couldn't stand being that sad... Of course, I really should develop some grown up coping mechanisms. Suggestions welcome!

Weigh In - Week 9

I lost 2.2lbs this week, somewhat undeserved I feel as I haven't done well at all this week! But, perhaps that is me catching up with last week. I also had a mega work day yesterday, five hours of driving and about eight hours of walking around/standing, so, maybe that helped. It is much easier when I'm busy and out of the house - I think one of the things that has made me struggle so much recently is not having enough sleep and then sitting around the house all day working, all of 2 feet from the kitchen. Boredom is a killer.

Only two more weigh ins before Christmas! Not exactly where I hoped to be and definitely concerned about weight gain over the holiday period. But, at the same time, I don't want to restrict myself and make it all boring and sober.

I had a twelve hour-ish work day today too so that is literally all I can think of to say because I am so exhausted! I will say something more interesting during the week!