Saturday, 22 December 2012

Weigh In - Week 11

I lost 1.3lbs this week. I'm really happy with that, as I was only aiming to maintain my weight this week, with food-based social engagements, Christmas preparations, etc. I'm only 0.3lbs off 2 stone now! Pretty exciting!

I was working today and I kind of always feel horribly uncomfortable on work days (by which I mean the days I'm not doing the office elements of it or meetings) because my job is really physically demanding (I often end up standing for 12 hours, carrying a lot of heavy equipment and am pretty much always horribly dehydrated), but, I also have to dress in a formal fashion. Being fat and trying to dress formally is difficult enough anyway - I really hate it, but, then trying to be comfortable working too... Urgh. So, normally I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror and I feel like an absolute state, but, today, I saw myself in the mirror and I was pleasantly surprised. I'm not saying I'd be satisfied to stay at this weight forever, but, I didn't look like a bedraggled mess - my skin is sooo much clearly nowadays and my face has lost weight and the clothes, I suppose fit more how they're supposed to, rather than being strained to their limit. So, that was nice.

Anyway, guys, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and the food situation isn't too disastrous! See you on the other side...! x

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Weigh In - Week 10

I lost 1.5lbs this week. I am nearly at the 2 stone lost mark - although, with the festivities I doubt I'll be seeing that until 2013!

I had a pretty good week - I was back on track, even if it was more of an effort and from a mid-week weigh in I'd actually lost 2lbs by Wednesday. But, then I just got really, really sad. Everyone gets inexplicably sad sometimes, right? I tried to fight it off, but, I think without the constant indiscriminate numbing of binge eating, it was a lot more powerful and it kind of crippled me. I think I might have got a bit too excited about having a Christmas Disney would envy and the anti-climax has hit me hard, or something a bit more legitimate...!

When I moved out of home, I was worried I'd be really lonely. I've always liked my own space, but, the thought of waking up alone, working alone all day, sitting alone in the evenings, it was kind of daunting. But, then I was alone and I loved it - the control over everything (like, none of my food being gone when I open the fridge and keeping the flat hotter than the Sahara because I get cold) and the space to spread all my stuff out, work in a separate study, etc. But, I think after three/four months that dreaded loneliness has hit me and I just feel so abjectly alone. Because I work on the weekends I go whole fortnights without seeing my boyfriend or friends - the only thing I do is go to other people's parties and not talk to anyone (that only makes sense if you know what I do for a living!). I went out with my friends last night and I'm off to my boyfriends today, so, I feel better now. But, I admit that I let it get the better of me, I went to the supermarket with tear tracks down my face to drown my sorrows in carbohydrates. It kind of worked, I was disappointed about the step back as far as weight loss goes, but, it did take the edge off the misery and it was kind of worth it because I couldn't stand being that sad... Of course, I really should develop some grown up coping mechanisms. Suggestions welcome!

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Weigh In - Week 9

I lost 2.2lbs this week, somewhat undeserved I feel as I haven't done well at all this week! But, perhaps that is me catching up with last week. I also had a mega work day yesterday, five hours of driving and about eight hours of walking around/standing, so, maybe that helped. It is much easier when I'm busy and out of the house - I think one of the things that has made me struggle so much recently is not having enough sleep and then sitting around the house all day working, all of 2 feet from the kitchen. Boredom is a killer.

Only two more weigh ins before Christmas! Not exactly where I hoped to be and definitely concerned about weight gain over the holiday period. But, at the same time, I don't want to restrict myself and make it all boring and sober.

I had a twelve hour-ish work day today too so that is literally all I can think of to say because I am so exhausted! I will say something more interesting during the week!

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Uh oh

I have gone a bit off the rails. Ok, a lot off the rails. I've been feeling kind of queasy lately, but, to be honest, that could be because I ate my way through a ridiculous amount of sweets.

I don't really know what's going on with me - I think I took the gain a bit harder than I should have. Rationally I know that if ive consumed less than I've burned then I'll lose weight, so the gain was just an anomaly. But, over-eaters are just looking for excuses, right? And that's an easy excuse. Oh and I'm just bored and still not sleeping well. I've done better today, I exercised, distracted myself with Christmas card writing, but, I still haven't been perfect. I'm super disappointed in myself. I felt like everything was going well and it was easy...and it was easy, I was in the habit and I didn't feel like it was a great effort. But now, it seems like a massive effort. So, I suppose I'll just have to make that effort until it feels easy again. I'll be fine.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Weigh In - Week 8

A late weigh in post for you here, yesterday was super busy! I had a client meeting that went on about three times longer than they usually do, then I went to a Christmas tree farm (and then some serious manual labour, on the part of my boyfriend, was needed to actually put the tree up) and then we went to see Twilight, which was super awful and I kind of hate myself for watching all of them. Haha.

Anyway, at yesterdays weigh in, I saw a gain of 0.5lbs, which I was pretty irritated and down about as I weigh myself near enough everyday and had seen at least a 1.5lb loss up until yesterday (and today, again, I saw a loss), so, feel like it was a bit of a fluke - probably down to some time-of-the-month bloating. Alas. While I went out for two meals last week, I was careful to track them and I only ate breakfast before and hadn't actually gone over my calorie limit.

Today though, armed with the disappointment of a gain when I didn't feel it was deserved, I drove my boyfriend to the train station and my car was making horrific noises, like I was in some suped up idiot-mobile. We got out and my exhaust is pretty much hanging on by a thread (which apparently happened since last night when I drove it and it was fine...). I had intended to go to the supermarket after dropping him off and I'd have just had time to get a few things before they closed, but, I ended up taking the car home in case it fell apart. I was feeling kind of depressingly trapped knowing I couldn't get in my car (and nowhere within walking distance is open), so, I ended up ordering pizza, I'd worked out how many slices I could have to stay in my calorie limit, but, I ate more. It was rubbish, it didn't taste particularly nice, I felt super sick and now my flat smells like grease. Altogether a rather unsatisfying episode that I will put behind me and hopefully, if I'm a model student the rest of the week, I'll still see a loss on the scales.

On the up side, I got a load of clothes I ordered online this week because I really need some new jeans as mine keep falling down - I wasn't really happy with any of the jeans (my legs are an awkward length between long and regular jeans, so, often jeans are too short), but, I got some tops in a size smaller than I was wearing before, which was nice. My skin also looks a lot better than it did before, which is partly due to my new obsession with anti-wrinkle creams because I've developed frown lines, but, also, I'm sure because I'm not treating pizza like it's my only food group.

Oh and also - I've seen no mice for nearly a week now (I think), so, I am feeling a little less like I'm in the middle of a breakdown - I still jump when the pipes creak, but, I'm not obsessively staring at the traps every ten minutes or waking up in the night dreaming about them, so, that's really good. I did kind of have a mini breakdown about it last week and ended up crying hysterically on the phone to my Mum saying I couldn't remember what it was like not to have my life consumed by the thought of mice. So, I'm hoping I can get my life back on track now and start thinking about myself again and get back into my exercise routine, not walking around all day dazed because I'm functioning on three hours sleep a night. Hooray.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Weigh In - Week 7

I've lost 3.2lbs this week, which kind of evens out my less than inspiring loss last week! This takes my weight 0.3lbs under 19 stone. I know that's the teeniest amount, but, it was a lovely surprise seeing myself in the 18 stones! Last time I lost a significant amount of weight I was around 18 stone, so, it feels like coming back to somewhere a bit more familiar.

I went to the pub last night, I didn't drink because I can't be bothered with the alcohol calories, I was driving and I didn't want to get back to find a trapped mouse and be toppling over and unable to drive it to a new home. I had a nice time. But as we were leaving my male (very intoxicated) friend jumped on my back. And it pissed me right off. For starters, it hurt, he's got a bit of weight on him and he's about 6ft (I'm 5ft9). But, what annoyed me was that common perception that you're "one of the lads" when you're fat. I'm really not. I suppose I swear a bit too much and I don't wear dresses or heels but that's because at my weight they make me look like a drag queen. But, I do a super girly job, I get excited about sappy things only a girl would and just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm strong! My poor spine! Would he have done that if I were a size 12? No. Not that I've taken major offence, I know he didn't mean it to have all those connotations, but, I hate being slapped with those little glimpses of how people see me, when I'm otherwise not really thinking about my weight.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Weigh In - Week 6

I lost 0.6lbs this week. Tragic! I'm a bit confused by the low loss, to be honest, but, at least the numbers are still going down. I can only think that since the mouse infestation in my flat, I've been super dehydrated (because I'm paranoid the mouse is going to have walked over my glass if I leave it anywhere) and I haven't been sticking to my exercise routine because I've been sleep deprived. I'm hoping it was just a bad set of circumstances today and I'll see a big loss next week to make up for it. Fingers crossed! On the upside I have achieved my pledge of losing a stone (14lbs) before Christmas! And it's not even December yet!

I really think this week has shown me the power of habit. In other circumstances the stress of being exhausted and having mice scurrying around would have pushed me to massively overeat, under a blanket, watching a film, to make me feel better and help me push through the tiredness. But, after five/six weeks of watching the quantity I eat, it just didn't really cross my mind in a serious way. I also noticed last week that I just can't eat lots like I used to - I bought some chocolate nibbles for my friends to come round, but, plans ended up changing and I ended up eating said nibbles (an amount that fitted with my calorie limit) and I felt so ill afterwards! I think I felt sick all the time before, constantly suffering from being fuller than I ever needed to be.

Hope you guys are having a good weekend! I am having a freezing cold break from work.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Weigh In - Week 5

So this week I lost 1.6lbs. Well, I accidentally moved my scales the other day so I did several measurements today and that was the lowest after I found the ridges in the carpet! So, it might be on the optimistic side. Either way - all of the measurements from today take me under a BMI of 40. I don't set much store by the whole BMI thing (not that I don't acknowledge I'm obese!), but, I have gone from Class III to Class II Obsese. Hooray for me, eh?

I definitely haven't been perfect this week. Not that I'm in any kind of turmoil or about the throw in the towel. I'm completely unfazed by it. The reason I chose to lose weight by increasing my activity and cutting back on my calorie intake, rather than some super severe programme that didn't allow for deviation was, well, in part because I have done those before and while I lost a lot of weight, they often put my energy levels at zero and more importantly, I always put the weight back on with another couple of stone. This time I wanted to do it slowly and steadily, in a sustainable way, that eases me into maintenance, but also let's me live my life - I didn't want to be in a situation where an invitation for a meal out was either a massive test of my will- power or an excuse to go off the rails. So, yes, this week has been a bit unsettled. Part of my job is meeting with clients and this is generally in coffee shops or pubs, where I did indulge in hot chocolate and coke respectively, this week. And then on Wednesday my boyfriend and I piled three dates into one day (we don't get the chance that often with me working on the weekends), including a meal with pizza and a big chocolatey dessert. But, I tracked them all and am ok with my choices. What's important is that I didn't use having a pizza and dessert as an excuse to eat everything I wanted! So I still ended up eating a lot less than I would have done just over a month ago.

What is more of an issue, I feel, is that my water consumption has been appalling because I've been rushing around a lot. One of the good things that did come out of doing meal replacement diets, was that I got very good at drinking water (on LighterLife I drank six litres a day) and it's no longer a chore for me. So I really feel it when I don't keep it up - I get headaches and I think the scales show a higher weight.

Enough of that rambling! I was flicking through the photos on my phone the other day and I found a shot of me trying on some new jeans and a top, I happened to be wearing the same outfit so thought I'd do a comparison photo. At my weight, losing over a stone doesn't seem like much and I definitely haven't been able to see it, even if my jeans have been a bit looser. But seeing how tight that top was when it was new, compared to how it fits now is the first real visible marker of my progress. Happy! Obviously I have a long way to go, so, don't think I'm looking for comments about what a transformation I've made!

Check out my odd socks...!

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Weigh In - Week 4

Quick update for you because I've been a busy bee today - working this morning and then fireworks this evening and finally have some time with the boyfriend!

But, I've lost 3.9lbs this week! Very pleased as I was definitely struggling this week with post holiday/illness stress and not exercising. So, yes, very pleased! I am also noticing the jeans I bought at the start of this journey are on the big side now - which is great as I can't really see a difference, what with having so far to go...

Hope you're all enjoying your weekend! x

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Angry Day

I definitely have a temper and I also can wind myself up into a bit of an, "I hate everything," frenzy, like I'm a hormonal [maybe I'm a little hormonal right now...] fourteen year old. Cue phone support because my Internet isn't working properly and me stomping around muttering swear words under my breath afterwards.

Since recovering from my flu (although, I still have a lingering cough), I've got back to work. I am self-employed and my company is just me, it's pretty much my busiest time of year and being ill have thrown everything off - I've missed deadlines and have clients asking what's going on and then Christmas cut-offs to try to beat too. I am stress, stress, stressed! So, of course, little things that are minor inconveniences I wouldn't notice have blown up in my head into massive slights on me personally. So, I am angry today and I was angry yesterday and tomorrow, well, I may well still be angry.

The thing is, I find it really hard to relax, I often think one of the main reasons I overeat is that I don't actually know how to relax without food. And I have definitely run into this obstacle over the last few days, I have some chocolates stashed in my cupboard that I bought in Norway and I have definitely gone to town on those a bit more than I should have. Working from home means I'm always a few feet away from my work and sometimes I feel like the only way to be fully away from work/have "met time" is to be stuffing my face on the sofa in front of the TV. But, I am fighting back against myself, it's just more of an internal struggle than usual.

Oh and I don't think I'd realised that my flu was doing a great job of suppressing my appetite - now it's back with a vengeance and is screaming, "chocolate!"

The other thing I discovered today, was that I was grossly under-estimating how many calories I was eating for breakfast. Today I weighed my cereal and it turns out, including milk I've been eating over 600 calories for breakfast and tracking it at under 400. I am going to have to reel this in starting tomorrow and re-think my overly sugary, yummy breakfast choices. I should just eat Weetabix. After all, breakfast is the meal where I have the most resolve...!

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Weigh In - Week 3

Happy Saturday!

I've lost 3.2lbs this week, which means I've lost 1 stone (14lbs) in the last 3 weeks! Whoop! Very happy about that, I am comfortably under the 20 stone mark, which feels really great as that number always kind of screamed "heart attack" to me. I'm also 6lbs away from my Where Are My Knees 1 stone by Christmas pledge! I imagine my weight loss might slow down a bit now - I am basing my calorie intake on losing 2lbs a week, so, the fact I've lost so much more the last few weeks is a bonus - I'd love to keep up this rate of weight loss, but, I am also being realistic and not putting all my hopes on it.

I went to Norway for two days and got back last night, then had to go off to work this morning. And I was definitely still ill. Every time the icy air hit my lungs it was agony. But, I do feel much better, even if I am exhausted and have a lingering cough. All this holiday-ing, weird sleeping hours and illness has played havoc with my eating - I've been averaging a super unhealthy, cheesy meal a day... But, now I'm feeling better and I actually have the energy to get into my car and drive to the supermarket, I should be back on track. Not to say I haven't been paying close attention to how much I've been eating. That I have been doing and faithfully tracking my food and calories, regardless of what poor food choices they may have been. I am actually really looking forward to eating fruit and vegetables again! Oh and exercising - I think that'll be a while longer as my lungs still hurt, but, looking forward to that too!

On the somewhat depressing side of going on holiday - both of my trips were on budget airlines (EasyJet and RyanAir) and a couple of days before, it suddenly occurred to me that it had been a year since I'd been on a plane (and that was a long haul flight and I feel like their seats would be bigger?), during which time I've put on probably about 2 stone and that I might not actually fit in the seats any more. It was actually pretty uncomfortable - I had a real struggle to do up the seat belts when they were fully extended - the plane on the way back yesterday in particular seemed to be smaller and I broke into a panicky sweat trying to squeeze it over me. I did manage, but, it wasn't particularly pleasant and I never want to be in that situation again. I was a fraction of an inch from having to ask for a belt extender and I think I'd rather run screaming off the plane that have to do that! To be fair, had I done that I'd have lost the weight to fit on the plane pretty fast because food in Norway is crazy expensive...

Monday, 22 October 2012

On the flu & exercise

Let's try stating an obvious fact - I hate being ill. Ugh. Not being able to sleep because of coughing fits and horrible fever dreams (about frozen corpses - lesson learnt, don't watch both Pushing Daisies boxsets back to back and expect your dreams not to be plagued by elaborate, brightly coloured deaths). Oh and my body just aches so much... But, what really bothers me is that this seems to happen a fair bit, I start off really well on a new regime and get chopped down by some stupid virus. I don't really feel like I'm floundering that much, while curling up on the sofa with a load of junk food does sound kind of comforting, I'm happy to calorie count and even make room for copious amouts on honey-ladden drinks and Lucozade (is it just me that feels like no virus can be beaten without Lucozade because it's always been my Mum's response to illness to bring home some "Luke-y"? Now I don't live at home any more she still came round with a big bottle of the orange stuff to make me feel better). Living off tins of soup and cereal probably isn't the healthiest though...

What's really annoying is that I can't exercise, I feel like air isn't even making it into my lungs and I might topple over if I move too quickly. So, that is a real shame as my calorie allowance is based on that exercise (well,  I will still lose weight without the exercise but not at the rate I'd like). In fact, I have been weighing myself and my weigh in did seem accurate!

Oh and I sucked it up and put my picture over there on the right in my profile. I kind of didn't want to because what if (dun dun dun) someone should find this and recognise me?! I did even avoid saying where I was going on holiday in case someone should figure it out, but, whatever, I am being silly! The only real concern is all my friends are itty-bitty and I imagine that finding out I weigh more than double them would blow their minds. But, it's really only the reality of the numbers that concern me because, well, I'm sure they know I'm big and can guess my clothes size, but, that massive number of the scales?! I don't know if it's even occurred to them that a human weighs that much...!

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Weigh In - Week 2

So, I am back from my holiday and have super flu that, combined with the flight back, has left me pretty much deaf. Fantastic! The problem with working from home is that I am no longer used to being in enclosed spaces with a load of germ-ridden people (as opposed to when I commuted to work by train) and pair that with the gross recycled air of a plane, I was bound to get sick I suppose. Hmm. Anyway, it didn't properly take hold until I got off the plane, when I crashed and could barely move from sicky exhaustion (my boyfriend should get much credit for being the perfect nurse, forcing Lemsip down my throat and forcing me to eat when I really didn't want to) so it didn't negatively impact the holiday too much.

The holiday was lovely and on the weight loss front - I had imagined the amount of walking might off-set the food I was going to eat, but, really, I didn't eat all that badly. I averaged about 5 hours walking a day (coming in at over 2,000 additional calories burnt a day!) and, of course, being in Italy, I ate a fair amount of pizza and ice cream, but, I passed up the sugary drinks for water and was sure to eat some kind of fruit and veg! I wouldn't say I was eating with "dieting" in mind, but, making a note of what I was eating each day definitely kept it in the back of my mind.

I've lost 5.2lbs this week, taking me to a grand total of 10.8lbs in two weeks! That also takes me 9.2lbs away from my 1 stone target for Christmas! I am pretty happy with that as I really didn't anticipate any loss! Of course, I am taking that with a pinch of salt, as I weighed myself at around 4.30pm today and had only eaten a banana and had very little to drink all day due to illness, so, I think that the scales might be showing a bigger loss than it ought to.

If this makes no sense, blame it on the fever! x

Monday, 15 October 2012


I'm going on holiday tomorrow (very excited! And my first break from work since, well, last October!) so I'm not expecting a loss this week, but, I'll be doing lots of walking so hopefully I'll stay at the same weight. I'm also going to continue to track my food so that I am at least mindful of what I'm doing!

Anyway, I love Christmas and I happened up the Where Are My Knees? 10 week pledge and I'm all over that. I've set myself a goal of a stone for Christmas which I feel is more than doable. Little goals are a great help too when it's going to be such a long journey!

Have a great week guys while I sun myself somewhere beautiful (in clothes that only expose my head and hands, obviously, heh...) x

Saturday, 13 October 2012


So I created this blog several months ago because I like accountability. Just the act of having to write down what I've been doing, of putting it out there in the public domain, is probably going to increase my chances of success. But then, of course, I didn't actually do anything about it for ages, looking for some kind of inspiration to get started... I think when you're always on the cusp of some kind of diet or weight-loss effort, actually making the plunge becomes something you don't want to do for fear that in several weeks you'll have failed miserably or completely forgotten about the two days you didn't eat chocolate...

But, I have made a rather promising start and lost 5lbs this week, so, I feel like that's a positive place to start my little blogging journey. Perhaps I'm alone in feeling like a weight loss effort should actually be a Big Thing or it's not "real" and I can just ignore it whenever? Anyway, consider this my statement of intent.

I'm in my mid-twenties and weigh just over 20 stone (283lbs). I have succeeded several times in my life at losing significant amounts of weight and getting to somewhere resembling "normal". You know...where you can wear skinny jeans and you don't have to get special boots with extra wide calves. But, I never got there in a particularly healthy or sustainable way. I think so many people with weight issues are all-or-nothing types. That's why one square of chocolate isn't enough - if you've started you want the whole family size bar, but, similarly, it's why a meal replacement diet, where you eat nothing solid, is also easy (relatively). It's fast results, with absolutely cast iron rules and no space for deviation.

But I'm not a student any more - I do a job which often involves 12+ hour days, including long drives and copious amounts of standing, squatting and physical activity that just isn't really possible when your head is always a bit fuzzy from eating 400 calories a day and surviving on water and your own fat and muscle. I also look at where my skin was before I lost 3.5 stone super fast (the first time) and then put it back on just as quickly to where I am now and I know that while there may be irreparable damage and I'm probably going to look like an ill-stuffed rag-doll naked for the rest of my life, another round with 8 stone to lose is definitely not going to help things. And the hair! My beautiful, thick hair, just falling out in clumps after those diets, waking up to find most of your hair stayed on the pillow or is creeping down your back when you're out, it's not nice, it's not necessary and it should probably highlight to you that what you're doing isn't right or normal. To be honest though, I am trying to justify myself out of it because whenever I think weight loss, I think the empty feeling in my stomach, the light-headedness, the smugness of being able to survive on nothing and the sparkly eyes that seem to come from basically starving yourself. And I could probably get to my goal weight in six months. But, that's not sensible, it's not sustainable, it's not livable for me as I am now.

So, my plan is pretty simple. I want to be back to 12 stone (168lbs - I've been this weight several times and it's about a size 12-14 for me, which being tall with a rather large chest is somewhere I'm happy and I can always go further if I want). I am doing this by exercising everyday and calorie counting. I am not radically cutting my calories at the moment, I mean, I'm huge - dropping down to 2,000 calories a day is still a large deficit for my size and I'm more about being mindful of what I eat at the moment. I am tracking everything with MyNetDiary on my iPhone and the act of programming all of those foods in and sometimes seeing the calorie bar shoot up alarmingly (chocolaty, sugary cereals have so many calories!) is a good learning process that will eventually inform better decisions and trade-offs.

Oh also - my other main thing I want (other than the clothes size and the number of the scales) is to be able to fit comfortably into theme park rides. I went to Universal Studios last year and I wasn't too worried until I got there, then I suddenly realised I actually might not fit onto the rides. I had to try myself out on those trial seats they put in front of the ride and that is just horrifically humiliating. And even worse - it was a tight squeeze on some of them, I had to sit on the ends which have the bigger seats on all the rides and on one it took two people to ram the bar down over me and I could barely breathe because it was crushing my chest. I want to go back this time next year and not have to even look at those trial seats, I want to enjoy having my photo taken on holiday rather than allowing my boyfriend to take the pictures then refusing to look at them.

Big essay over!